What do you think about my new company history (text)?

[oberheimer]

I have written the text myself, i know i need to check my english...

http://www.repele.com/about

This is the first company history i write and i wanted to create a feeling for the customer / reader

 

[DN BROKER]

I like it but its to long. Marketing works only best when you keep it simple. I got years of experience in marketing and I assure you that keeping it short would only benefit your brand.

 

[oberheimer]

I like it but its to long. Marketing works only best when you keep it simple. I got years of experience in marketing and I assure you that keeping it short would only benefit your brand.

How many words would you suggest? i think it's a bit over 300 words now

 

[DN BROKER]

I would make it one or two short paragraphs max.

 

[Jeroen]

I like the story (i have similar memories of the Austrian alps ) but I would suggest to include a bit more about the product(s) you're selling, perhaps let it rewrite by a native English writer.

 

[DN BROKER]

...........

 

[oberheimer]

Thanks for the help, i will see how i can change it. Will work on it tonight and will sort the english out as well (or ask an english friend to proofread it)

 

[amplify]

Being in sales myself, you need to paint the picture of them being there with your products as opposed to you being there. This will give them an emotional response to your products thus increasing revenue.

A quick outline ~100 words as to why you started the company would be good, but putting them in your product will be much better in my opinion.

Too many "I"'s as well, it should be "we"'s as it is a company, not a person.

 

[Dale Hubbard]

PM me - I'll rewrite it for you in native English (US or UK) for free.

 

[oberheimer]

Being in sales myself, you need to paint the picture of them being there with your products as opposed to you being there. This will give them an emotional response to your products thus increasing revenue.

A quick outline ~100 words as to why you started the company would be good, but putting them in your product will be much better in my opinion.

Too many "I"'s as well, it should be "we"'s as it is a company, not a person.

True i was thinking about that, and yes i will def change it

 

[Anthony Ng]

Very interesting story indeed. I agree that there is room for improvement, and a shorter "bio" with more emphasis on the products should be in the front and center. However, this bit of history is definitely what makes you connect to your potential customers on a personal level. Most of us like to deal with real people instead of an indifferent corporation.